Rambly ~or~ The News from Inside 'The Holiday Blizzard of 06'(tm) ~or~ Why I Think I am __________

Well, it was probably pretty dumb of me to get everything set up on this new blog, pimp out subscriptions, and then take a little over a week off. Oops.

Let me catch you up real quick on what you've missed in my life in the past week: jury duty, dental consulations, 800 miles on the road, and 2 feet of snow. As for that blizzard y'all non-Coloradoans might have been hearing about--it was no joke. I'm kinda thinking that maybe Colorado heard about Tulsa getting 8" of snow a couple weeks ago, and so it thought it had to reassert itself as "more wintry," but man, it was out of control. The worst driving weather I've ever been in. And everything closed.

But that's not what I want to write about right now. I set this blog up as transparency|inaction hoping that that would always keep me focused on the goal of having a medium through which I maintain a transparent lifestyle. So here goes.

I've been able to do a lot of thinking this week, between hours waiting to be called to a jury (which didn't end up happening), to the hours spent in a dentist's chair waiting to be fixed (which also didn't happen, but will just after Christmas), to all of the past two days I've spent snowed in. And I've been thinking about why I feel like I need love.

So before I can get into anything real, here's what I need to say: I came to the conclusion not long ago that I wanted my life to be something where I did things, like a speaking engagement across the country, because I wanted to, not because I needed to for the money or whatever. I decided that that would probably lead to a happier family and a happier life in general.

Then I began to apply this principle to love, and I decided that I would much rather find love because I wanted to, not because I felt like I needed to in order to survive. So now we're back to why I feel like I need love.

I think it's the ultimate sign of my desperate quest to find the approval of others. Now, I don't mean the selling out of myself in order to please others, as in doing precisely what they wanted me to do, but that what I want to do would be acceptable to other people. I guess it's the same end, just a different starting point.

So love, I've supposed, would be the ultimate sign that what I was doing was ok, because somebody else wanted in on it.

But that's not really the end. There are a lot of other questions I want to ask, or things I want to think, but I'm afraid of what people might think of my responses. I don't know, this feels rambly. I don't write as well on this computer...it's not mine.


Peace, love, and joy to you all.