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I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

re: to my friend

Malia had this great idea to send me a note via her blog as a way of posting the ever dreaded catch-up post.  So I'm one-part stealing it, one-part responding to her letter, and one-part...uh...it just seems like things should have three parts...

Dear Malia,

Thanks for your note!  Congratulations on finishing school!  Keep me posted on where you guys end up...Hawthorne is in fact right across the 405 from me.  How crazy circular would that be... Sadly, my church did just hire a new worship leader, and he's a pretty awesome guy, but if I hear any other leads I'll keep you posted.

My life  has changed quite a bit in the last year.  I guess the simplest way to put it is that I kind of feel like a toy boat in a bath tub while it's being drained.  I'm definitely heading somewhere, but it seems like whenever I think I have it figured out I get sucked towards the center of the vortex.  That metaphor sounds pretty negative; despite the tone, I do feel like whatever's down the drain is a good thing and is the right thing.

I work in an international broadcasting master control room (MCR).  I don't really know what that means either.  It goes pretty well, most days, and I seem to have worked my way into pretty good standing with the company.  It's a really good job, but I don't know that I see it as a career at this point.  Maybe that's where my life is going.  I'm just not sure.

I moved out here to El Segundo last January and had all of these wonderful plans.  The MCR job was an awesome divinely appointed type thing, and I saw that as my way to make rent while working for free as a youth pastor at the church.  The most difficult thing about living out here this past year has been watching in horror as my plan to do youth ministry slowly and painfully died.

I suppose at first that the main problem was that I was trying to do too much: I worked full-time, volunteered 25-30 hours a week at the church and tried to have a meaningful relationship at the same time.  I'm not a very good juggler.  Most nights, I worked until midnight and then got a few hours of sleep before turning up for work at the church at eight or nine.

So I stepped back a little bit sometime around June.  There had been some friction leading up to that point; I thought that the problem was my overloading myself, leading to my frustrations.  I tried to limit myself to fewer hours, but that completely cut me out of the leadership picture.  I saw areas where I felt like I could really help the program, but I had no desire to try to invest more of myself and end up back where I had started.  

So I stepped back even more.  I decided that maybe, just maybe, I was called to do youth ministry but not to be a youth pastor.  I considered applying to Fuller Theological Seminary to get an M.Div.  E-mailing with some professors to get a feel for some recommendations, my Hebrew professor from ORU really enouraged me.  I thought about what I really loved about my time at ORU, which was studying Hebrew and other biblical languages.  I applied to UCLA Near Eastern Languages and Cultures Department.

I did fairly well on the GRE, I got my letters of recommendation in order, I ordered transcripts, submitted work, and then I waited.  And as I waited I was truly excited again about what I'd be doing this fall for the first time in what feels like a long time.

And then I didn't get in.

And that's where I'm at now.  A former youth-pastorish MCR operator who holds a BA in youth ministry but doesn't really care to pursue it as a career and doesn't quite have enough to show for his knowledge of Hebrew to get into a grad school to pursue a career as an academic.

At the end of the day, though, I know that it will all work out.  I'm applying to schools again this year for the fall of 2010, I'm working on being better at my job everyday, I'm translating passages out of various OT passages to show that I might have what it takes....and I'm waiting.

Someday, I'll hit the drain and I'm sure it will be awesome.

In other news, my sister is getting married this fall to a friend of mine from my youth group days.  Should you two end up in Colorado, we'll be out there around October 10 and again around Christmas time, so hopefully, if you're out there, we can make at least one of those times work.

Tim

A Question

Is it arrogant and stupid to write memoir when you've no otherwise completely unnotable?

Perhaps Unexpected

Richard Simmons (yes, that Richard Simmons) may not be the same kind of person as the rest of us.  But chances are that's only because he's somehow better.

Some of the things he says and does might best be described as strange or odd, but he is one of the most genuine, kindest people I have ever met.  Which is amazing because of his celebrity.

At my place of work, I have the opportuni

ty to work with all manner of celebrities, from musicians and athletes to TV legends, presidential candidates, and even a former prime minister of Canada.  All of this to say that I deal with "famous" people on a daily basis, and the vast majority of them are just like the rest of us, more or less uncomfortable with new things like appearing on TV or whatever it is that they're doing.

Often, these people are in for what are called Satellite Media Tours.  These begin as early as four in the morning out here in LA so that whoever the guest is can be interviewed "live via satellite" on morning shows across the country.   When these guys are a little grumpy, I understand.  Some guests are absolutely legendary for their "demandingness" for no reason at all.  I don't really understand that.

But very few are actually nice, and of those who are, none are nicer nor more genuine than Richard Simmons, which gets me back to where I started.

Get over it that someone does things that you think are weird.  Malia (sorry, I can't bring myself to stop calling you Malia, old habits and all that) twittered the other day about how her predilection towards functionalism over fashionablism made her un-American.  I'm right there, too.  People think I'm weird because I don't want an iPhone, or I'm not sure I'd buy a house if I had the cash to do it outright, and certainly wouldn't buy anything resembling large.

I guess more than about not judging people who are weird, this is about being the person who is genuine.  I wish that genuine was an adjective that I would use to describe myself.

I guess I just want to be more like Richard.

This picture was taken after Richard finished an early morning media tour and should have been exhausted, and about two minutes after we first met.  Also, he talked pretty exclusively about how thin I am.

I miss writing.