Dear Malia,
Thanks for your note! Congratulations on finishing school! Keep me posted on where you guys end up...Hawthorne is in fact right across the 405 from me. How crazy circular would that be... Sadly, my church did just hire a new worship leader, and he's a pretty awesome guy, but if I hear any other leads I'll keep you posted.
My life has changed quite a bit in the last year. I guess the simplest way to put it is that I kind of feel like a toy boat in a bath tub while it's being drained. I'm definitely heading somewhere, but it seems like whenever I think I have it figured out I get sucked towards the center of the vortex. That metaphor sounds pretty negative; despite the tone, I do feel like whatever's down the drain is a good thing and is the right thing.
I work in an international broadcasting master control room (MCR). I don't really know what that means either. It goes pretty well, most days, and I seem to have worked my way into pretty good standing with the company. It's a really good job, but I don't know that I see it as a career at this point. Maybe that's where my life is going. I'm just not sure.
I moved out here to El Segundo last January and had all of these wonderful plans. The MCR job was an awesome divinely appointed type thing, and I saw that as my way to make rent while working for free as a youth pastor at the church. The most difficult thing about living out here this past year has been watching in horror as my plan to do youth ministry slowly and painfully died.
I suppose at first that the main problem was that I was trying to do too much: I worked full-time, volunteered 25-30 hours a week at the church and tried to have a meaningful relationship at the same time. I'm not a very good juggler. Most nights, I worked until midnight and then got a few hours of sleep before turning up for work at the church at eight or nine.
So I stepped back a little bit sometime around June. There had been some friction leading up to that point; I thought that the problem was my overloading myself, leading to my frustrations. I tried to limit myself to fewer hours, but that completely cut me out of the leadership picture. I saw areas where I felt like I could really help the program, but I had no desire to try to invest more of myself and end up back where I had started.
So I stepped back even more. I decided that maybe, just maybe, I was called to do youth ministry but not to be a youth pastor. I considered applying to Fuller Theological Seminary to get an M.Div. E-mailing with some professors to get a feel for some recommendations, my Hebrew professor from ORU really enouraged me. I thought about what I really loved about my time at ORU, which was studying Hebrew and other biblical languages. I applied to UCLA Near Eastern Languages and Cultures Department.
I did fairly well on the GRE, I got my letters of recommendation in order, I ordered transcripts, submitted work, and then I waited. And as I waited I was truly excited again about what I'd be doing this fall for the first time in what feels like a long time.
And then I didn't get in.
And that's where I'm at now. A former youth-pastorish MCR operator who holds a BA in youth ministry but doesn't really care to pursue it as a career and doesn't quite have enough to show for his knowledge of Hebrew to get into a grad school to pursue a career as an academic.
At the end of the day, though, I know that it will all work out. I'm applying to schools again this year for the fall of 2010, I'm working on being better at my job everyday, I'm translating passages out of various OT passages to show that I might have what it takes....and I'm waiting.
Someday, I'll hit the drain and I'm sure it will be awesome.
In other news, my sister is getting married this fall to a friend of mine from my youth group days. Should you two end up in Colorado, we'll be out there around October 10 and again around Christmas time, so hopefully, if you're out there, we can make at least one of those times work.
Tim
2 comments:
Apply to Dallas Theological Seminary. Great programs there.
Tim,
Sorry it's taken me so long to respond. ;) Though I know it wasn't really all for my benefit, I still sort of felt like I should.
I'm sorry things haven't worked out like you planned, but I'm sure you're right, you'll find the drain soon. The only thing that's come to mind while thinking of and praying for you (mostly because I've been dealing with the same thoughts: is my major really the life God has for me?) is David's story. I kinda blogged about it a little the other day and though it was mostly a revelation for me at the time... I've realized that it may apply to you too.
I just felt like I should encourage you that even though one youth group didn't work out doesn't mean God doesn't have you in the "Youth Ministry" business. It could either be 1-not now or 2-not in LA (or maybe a different church in LA) or 3-not necessarily in a church. There are plenty of better places to minister to high schoolers than in a church.
Anyway, back to David... David was called to be king. But he lived on the street for half of I Samuel.
I'm sure you've thought of all this, but in case you hadn't, don't give up. God still wants to use you.
I'm glad you'll be back for your sisters wedding! I REALLY hope I have some direction by then. The church in Irvine seems to really like James and he's flying out to lead worship for them in two weeks. If that works out I probably won't be in the Springs during her wedding, but I'll only go if I find a job there too. :)
Hope you have a great week!
Malia
P.S. Sorry it's long... I can talk forever...
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