A Page

August 1, 2009

When I drink the world sings

songs of wailing and weeping

songs of hope

the world cries out for you--

be known among us, O God

When I drink the world sings

Desperate and confused, exhausted abused

longing with our voice

to make a place among the heavens.

Lord, hear our prayer

When I drink the world sings

and I scarcely know the words

but I live and breathe its tune

the crescendos cascade over me like waves.

Lord, inhabit the praise of your people.

Of what I drink the world sings

hope loss pain forgiveness fear

the blood of all that humanity could be

poured out for all humanity that would be

Sustainer Healer Redeemer Restorer of all.

On Truth

I always seem to be on the wrong end of this one. Either I'm with a group of tie wearin' King James quotin' church-folk who hear my shades-of-gray and jump straight to hell-to-pay (get it? it rhymes!!!), or I'm hanging out with my guerrilla Marxist comrades in their berets and smoking their cigars and think I'm too quick to apply my definition of truth to others.

OK, so I don't regularly find myself in either of those groups, but I do often find myself alone out on a limb in one of these discussions that includes the fractious phrase "What is truth?"

This happened to me tonight at church. We were discussing a recommendable German movie that we had just finished (After the Truth) and The Question [ominous music here] came up. Whenever you start to answer one of these, everybody goes red-flag hunting and prepare themselves to shout you down when they don't want to hear what you have to say. I know this because this is also often what I'm doing.

So here's maybe a clarification of what I mean to say in these conversations and only rarely am able to articulate.

In regards to truth, I hold a position that is, at least in some sense, epistemologically relative. What I mean by this is that while I do believe that there is a transcendent truth (which I more typically refer to as God), I also believe that this truth is somehow inherently mysterious. So, while we can occasionally catch glimpses of truth, truth is not something that we can know like a fact, possess like a book, or wield as a weapon. To put it another way, our own knowledge of the truth stems only from our quick glances at it.

Since God (which you'll recall, is what I am referring to when I say truth above) is infinitely great and we are finite (and terribly ungreat), we cannot own or even store this truth without damaging or distorting it, due to the fact that we're squeezing something so ginormously huge into something so devastatingly compact.

So the truth is out there. There is, in fact, that one truth which is objective and useful as a standard, but due to our inability to comprehend it, our nontranscendent truth-statements are in fact relative to ourselves and our contexts.

I think that's what I meant to say.

A Page

There is a man who walks by the sea

Bearing the weight of the rags on his back

His feet dirty and calloused

His face wild like fire

I see him --

in mornings before the yacht club is up

in afternoons while the jet set loom overhead

at night when my fear and lonelinees ache for his

And I drive by.

I've wanted to stop --

to offer him socks for his feet

a sandwich to cure his pangs

an ear for a conversation

the cash I suddenly don't need

But I drive by.

My face strains in torment

A second or two and then lapses

And while I sleep in my bed at peace

There is a man who walks by the sea

An Almost Repost

I logged on tonight with the intention of just posting "And I still haven't found what I'm looking for." Then I realized that that was the entirety of my previous post. Almost two months have passed, but it seems like maybe nothing has really changed.

Life is more good than bad. The only real bad in my life is the repetitive droning on of everything. Maintaining a routine like this--just simply working--is something that I had not anticipated being so foreign while I was in college. There is no more summer vacation, Christmas holiday or spring break. There is only Monday through Friday, from here until eternity, it seems.

I have a good job. I have a really good job. Things are good. Things are Kansas.

Driving through Kansas, there were no real problems or difficulties or challenges; you knew what it was that you were up against. But it wasn't enjoyable, because for hundreds of miles it was the same routine. Check my speed. Adjust my throttle slightly. Check clock. Check fuel gauge. Check mirrors. Repeat.

What's the opposite of "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore"?

And I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

145

I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

re: to my friend

Malia had this great idea to send me a note via her blog as a way of posting the ever dreaded catch-up post.  So I'm one-part stealing it, one-part responding to her letter, and one-part...uh...it just seems like things should have three parts...

Dear Malia,

Thanks for your note!  Congratulations on finishing school!  Keep me posted on where you guys end up...Hawthorne is in fact right across the 405 from me.  How crazy circular would that be... Sadly, my church did just hire a new worship leader, and he's a pretty awesome guy, but if I hear any other leads I'll keep you posted.

My life  has changed quite a bit in the last year.  I guess the simplest way to put it is that I kind of feel like a toy boat in a bath tub while it's being drained.  I'm definitely heading somewhere, but it seems like whenever I think I have it figured out I get sucked towards the center of the vortex.  That metaphor sounds pretty negative; despite the tone, I do feel like whatever's down the drain is a good thing and is the right thing.

I work in an international broadcasting master control room (MCR).  I don't really know what that means either.  It goes pretty well, most days, and I seem to have worked my way into pretty good standing with the company.  It's a really good job, but I don't know that I see it as a career at this point.  Maybe that's where my life is going.  I'm just not sure.

I moved out here to El Segundo last January and had all of these wonderful plans.  The MCR job was an awesome divinely appointed type thing, and I saw that as my way to make rent while working for free as a youth pastor at the church.  The most difficult thing about living out here this past year has been watching in horror as my plan to do youth ministry slowly and painfully died.

I suppose at first that the main problem was that I was trying to do too much: I worked full-time, volunteered 25-30 hours a week at the church and tried to have a meaningful relationship at the same time.  I'm not a very good juggler.  Most nights, I worked until midnight and then got a few hours of sleep before turning up for work at the church at eight or nine.

So I stepped back a little bit sometime around June.  There had been some friction leading up to that point; I thought that the problem was my overloading myself, leading to my frustrations.  I tried to limit myself to fewer hours, but that completely cut me out of the leadership picture.  I saw areas where I felt like I could really help the program, but I had no desire to try to invest more of myself and end up back where I had started.  

So I stepped back even more.  I decided that maybe, just maybe, I was called to do youth ministry but not to be a youth pastor.  I considered applying to Fuller Theological Seminary to get an M.Div.  E-mailing with some professors to get a feel for some recommendations, my Hebrew professor from ORU really enouraged me.  I thought about what I really loved about my time at ORU, which was studying Hebrew and other biblical languages.  I applied to UCLA Near Eastern Languages and Cultures Department.

I did fairly well on the GRE, I got my letters of recommendation in order, I ordered transcripts, submitted work, and then I waited.  And as I waited I was truly excited again about what I'd be doing this fall for the first time in what feels like a long time.

And then I didn't get in.

And that's where I'm at now.  A former youth-pastorish MCR operator who holds a BA in youth ministry but doesn't really care to pursue it as a career and doesn't quite have enough to show for his knowledge of Hebrew to get into a grad school to pursue a career as an academic.

At the end of the day, though, I know that it will all work out.  I'm applying to schools again this year for the fall of 2010, I'm working on being better at my job everyday, I'm translating passages out of various OT passages to show that I might have what it takes....and I'm waiting.

Someday, I'll hit the drain and I'm sure it will be awesome.

In other news, my sister is getting married this fall to a friend of mine from my youth group days.  Should you two end up in Colorado, we'll be out there around October 10 and again around Christmas time, so hopefully, if you're out there, we can make at least one of those times work.

Tim

A Question

Is it arrogant and stupid to write memoir when you've no otherwise completely unnotable?

Perhaps Unexpected

Richard Simmons (yes, that Richard Simmons) may not be the same kind of person as the rest of us.  But chances are that's only because he's somehow better.

Some of the things he says and does might best be described as strange or odd, but he is one of the most genuine, kindest people I have ever met.  Which is amazing because of his celebrity.

At my place of work, I have the opportuni

ty to work with all manner of celebrities, from musicians and athletes to TV legends, presidential candidates, and even a former prime minister of Canada.  All of this to say that I deal with "famous" people on a daily basis, and the vast majority of them are just like the rest of us, more or less uncomfortable with new things like appearing on TV or whatever it is that they're doing.

Often, these people are in for what are called Satellite Media Tours.  These begin as early as four in the morning out here in LA so that whoever the guest is can be interviewed "live via satellite" on morning shows across the country.   When these guys are a little grumpy, I understand.  Some guests are absolutely legendary for their "demandingness" for no reason at all.  I don't really understand that.

But very few are actually nice, and of those who are, none are nicer nor more genuine than Richard Simmons, which gets me back to where I started.

Get over it that someone does things that you think are weird.  Malia (sorry, I can't bring myself to stop calling you Malia, old habits and all that) twittered the other day about how her predilection towards functionalism over fashionablism made her un-American.  I'm right there, too.  People think I'm weird because I don't want an iPhone, or I'm not sure I'd buy a house if I had the cash to do it outright, and certainly wouldn't buy anything resembling large.

I guess more than about not judging people who are weird, this is about being the person who is genuine.  I wish that genuine was an adjective that I would use to describe myself.

I guess I just want to be more like Richard.

This picture was taken after Richard finished an early morning media tour and should have been exhausted, and about two minutes after we first met.  Also, he talked pretty exclusively about how thin I am.

I miss writing.

How God Came to Be on Both Sides

So, voting happens on Tuesday. Should be a hoot.

Anyway, here in California there's this item on the ballot known as Proposition 8, which is essentially a measure that would add a line saying that marriage is between one man and one woman to our state constitution. It's fiercely contested, and is the most funded campaign (over $25 million on each side) in the US, second only to the presidential election.

Evangelical Christians, including Focus on the Family and Rick Warren, and other social conservatives in the state have been adamant in their support for the measure, while a smattering of others, including Google and Steven Spielberg, have been taking very public stances against the measure. Chuck Colson went so far as to say that if Proposition 8 does not pass (and thus same-sex marriage remains valid here in California) it will be a modern day Armageddon.

I will be voting against Proposition 8 for a number of reasons.

The primary reason that I will be voting against Prop 8 is because I believe very firmly in the separation of Church and State. I think that the only strong church is one which is free from the whims of our government, and I'm willing to accept that this sometimes will mean that our state will become more secularized. This, however, does not mean that our Church must compromise in any way, unless we see fit. The addition of this line, however, would be the institution of religious principles in an otherwise civil document.

Put another way, I find no compelling argument for Proposition 8 outside of the Judeo-Christian religious tradition. I've heard the argument that every major society has held that marriage is between a man and a woman for 5,000 years, which is at least a little suspect. It's true in that I don't know of any source endorsing same-sex marriage over the span of human history, it's hardly true that the notion of marriage between one man and one woman is found throughout that time. For Christians, the Old Testament is filled with example after example of a godly man marrying multiple wives--in fact, this was often a sign of his godliness, as godliness led to prosperity and polygamy was a sure sign of prosperity. It seems to me that the New Testament's introduction of a man being married to but one wife (in Paul's description of a deacon, I believe) is more of a following culture thing than a moral revelation thing.

I certainly could be wrong.

I sat in my pastor's office this past Monday and for an hour and a half we discussed and debated these fourteen words and why they should or should not be added to our constitution. I respect and like my pastor very much, and though we still do not agree on this issue, those feelings have not changed. During the course of conversation, I made a comment to him that I did not understand at the time, but which I somehow still believed to be true. I said that there were Christians on both sides of this issue, and that I thought that those on both sides were right, both were following the will of God.

It was only days later that I kinda started to figure out maybe how that could actually be.

Maybe God cares more about the "why" when we vote than the "what." Maybe God hears my pastor's heart for holiness and redemption in his vote for Proposition 8 (as well as the heart of the rest of the church staff, the rest of the church, most of my friends, and even my girlfriend) but also hears my heart for compassion and justice (and justice in the sense that it is required that you view someone as an equal before you can act justly in relation to them) in my vote against Proposition 8, and God blesses both efforts. I'm reminded of that part in the Bible where Samuel is looking for a new king to anoint after Saul basically blows it. God tells Samuel, "People look at the outside appearance, but I look at the heart." (1 Sam. 16.7, good old Bible Gateway always comes to the rescue)

Maybe this is just what I tell myself so I can sleep at night knowing that I'm standing [what feels like] completely alone within my branch of the faith basically trying to destroy the most basic, time-tested foundation of all of civilization just for some "sinners." Or as one prominent minister out here put it, I'm throwing away 5 000 years of human tradition for just 2% of the population.

I guess I'm just doing what I feel like Jesus would have...standing up for the marginalized in our society. And I know that those of my creed on the opposite side feel the same about their stance, that they are indeed doing what Jesus would have done...standing up for moral truth and righteousness in a wicked generation.


On a slightly unrelated note, I love bluegrass music, and I have no idea why. I just do.

Peace, love, and joy.

Several Months Later...

The last six months have been busy. That is the entirety of what I would like to write about them.

My roommate and I finally got an actual internet connection in our apartment this past weekend, and I had time to set up my computer for it last night.  I hope that this means that I will be able to write more.

I'd like to write like I used to; it's been a long time since I've written anything worth reading.  But for today, I think that I have to write one of these "I'm back" type posts.

Peace, love, and joy to you all.

the word to me

john 5.8 - get up

My nose is crooked and I do not know why.

I work in a TV studio satellite switchboard place of entertainment wondertude. Earlier today I sat in "the chair" and looked at myself in the monitor.

My nose definitely hooks to one side, even though I've never broken it.

Maybe that's why...

Peace, love, and joy to you all.

update

hey guys

i'm still alive.  i packed up my computer about two weeks ago and haven't yet arrived at my final destination. i'm moving into my place this weekend and so i should have a fairly full update up sometime by the middle of the week.

life is good. plj

Hooray It's Christmas

I really like the "other" verses of Christmas carols--you know, like you're out with a randomly gathered group of people ringing other randomly selected people's doorbells to sing them some songs (much like I, coincidentally enough, was last night), and after you finish the first verse, everybody just kinda hums except for the one person who actually knows verse two. Well, I'm not that person.

As evidence, I offer last night's adventuring (which is probably the only time Christmas caroling has ever involved trespassing for me): At first, I was doing pretty well, holding my own. In fact, they let me hold the music. So whenever we finished the first verse, I would switch songs, the guitar player would start the next song, and I knew all the words. Soon, though, it became obvious that, of my many skills, holding still is not one of them. So, at the behest of Guitar Guy, I was replaced as music holder.

At the next house, we sang "What Child is This?" a song which, I'm pretty sure, everybody loves but only kinda sorta knows the words. After struggling through the verse, we got to the chorus (aka the part I kinda know), and then--to my horror--jumped straight into verse two. Verse two???

Speaking of verse two, "Silent Night" has a verse two, too. One of the lines in verse two is glories stream from heavens afar. I could have sworn that the line was glories stream from heavens above. You know how when you start singing the wrong word you just kinda switch to the right word in the middle? Well, I do that at least, so several times last night I definitely sang glories stream from heaven's a bar.

Anyway, even though I don't really know them, I really love the other verses of Christmas carols. It's probably just because those songs are really well written in general, and since I haven't heard verse three of "O Holy Night" 72 000 times in my life, I actually listen to the words. The words to verse three (or two, depending who you talk to) of "O Holy Night," by the way, are:

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.

So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,

Here come the wise men from Orient land.

The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;

In all our trials born to be our friend.

He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,

Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!

Behold your King, Behold your King.

Last night, after the caroling, a certain set of girls in our group sang this song a capella, each taking a verse. They did a great job, so much so that I wish that I had a recording of it, especially this verse (hint hint, Colleen...). I think what really hit me about this verse is how it just completely encapsulates the gospel message. We are now the wise men, drawn by the light of hope to give whatever we have to the King.

plj

december is here, and so am i

So, a few updates that are short. Very short, I guess, but stuff y'all would probably care to know.

1. I failed at NaNoWriMo this year. Sadpanda times, indeed. I'll have to try again next year.
2. I finished my senior paper. It's notbadokish. If you like reading 40 pages of boring, it's online over at Books & Papers. It's the first entry under papers, titled "Finding God's Agenda for Homosexual Students."
3. I defend said senior paper on Thursday afternoon. I have no idea what that means, but I'm pretty sure it'll be a gimme putt.
4. I will be done with college a week from Monday. That's just crazy stupid.
5. I will be moving out to El Segundo, California, during the first week of 2008. If any of y'all know anybody out there who wants to throw money my way in exchange for some work, let me know. ;)
6. I love Miles Davis, green tea, and Febreze NOTICEables air fresheners.
7. I plan on writing much more once school is fading into the background...it's scary how soon that is.

Anywho, in the meantime,

Peace, love, and joy to you all.

NaNoWriMo Update

10 000 words.

7 000 in the past 24 hours.

A Passage from NaNoWriMo 07

I'm about 9 000 words in right now, and I really enjoyed this. It's a retelling of some stuff from the first book (which is over on Books & Papers if you want to read it). Oh, and don't worry, most of the novel isn't quite this sap-saturated...

"The night was perfect, the stars were perfect, the ring was perfect, the air was perfect, and (as always) Sophronia was perfect. The waves crashing below us provided a soothing, rhythmic background of soft sounds while the fireworks exploding above us illuminated the most beautiful eyes God himself has ever sought to make as I descended to one knee and removed the ring from my pocket. I told Sophronia how much I truly loved her, how I had always loved her, and how I always would love her. I asked her to marry me.
"She said no.
"She left that place with me on that hill and disappeared back into her palatial life, a life which I somehow had always known could not be ours together. I, I remained there on the crest of that hill, and — though not moving — descended into the deep, dark gloom that captures the night and makes it frightening and cold and alone. I remained there — on one knee — as the world melted away into a horrific melodrama of the grandest of possible failures in my grandest of possible adventures. I remained there — still holding the ring up — as though the stars themselves would accept my love and swoop down and recall me to the heavens above, the archetypical Greek, a tormented lover whose tragic failings had merited him a constellation of his own."
I paused here. I always must pause here.

"Eventually, though, eventually I released the ring, letting it drop back into the soil from which its gold and its jewels had been wrought, hoping that the next discoverer of that ring would have better fortune with his love than I had had with mine."

plj

A Quick Note

What this all feels like.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

plj

The Complete Timothy O Margheim Collection...

...is now available online over at Books and Papers, a rather cleverly titled site I'd just set up. Mainly I set it up as a way to get the first complete draft of my senior paper (about youth ministry with adolescent homosexuals) available to anybody who wants to read it. And maybe even give me some editorial pointers... :)

plj